Seven Actors who Would Make Terrible Vampires

Are screen vampires a mere shadow of their former selves? 

Once upon a time vampires on the silver screen were supposed to be scary like Christopher Lee in the old Hammer Horrors, but then along minced Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in Interview With a Vampire and all of a sudden fangs and a cape, and being a corpse who drunk blood was apparently sexy. 

Some vampires suck more than just blood!

Pitt and Cruise’s nocturnal and slightly hysterical homo-erotic antics in the aforesaid film did more than make movie audiences world wide nauseous, it set a blueprint for how Hollywood vampires of the future should behave and look.

Long toothed and hunch backed thespians such as Bela Lugosi and Max Schreck who were once renowned for playing children of the night were consigned to the dustbins of history as a new generation of blood sucking monsters designed to appeal to the overtly hormonal teenage market drew back the curtain and stepped squinting and half-formed into the limelight. 

These creatures were a strange breed of emotionally vulnerable psychopaths with a penchant for leather jackets, sun glasses and identity issues. They were bad boys with big hearts and teenage girls adored them - even though in theory these vicious vampires were capable of ripping the throat of their nearest and dearest out quicker than you could say, “Why sir! You cast no shadow.”

Consequently the end result of all this tomfoolery was Edward Cullen as played by Robert Pattinson in the Twilight films. Now while Pattinson may appear to all extent and purposes less of a monster of myth and magic and more of a pasty and effeminate bastard lovechild of Pitt and Cruise, who needs a good bitch slapping from a real bona fida bloodsucker, he’s far from the worst choice to play a vampire. 

No sir. Kristen Stewart’s mistreated pet is by the piss poor quality control of modern standards, a pretty good vampire. But what about those poor attention starved thespians who never got a proper bite of the Adam’s apple and the chance to croon in a camp accent, “Ahh de children of da night, vot sweet music dey maek.” Spare a thought for these poor  bastards as we pay a rare tribute to their meagre acting abilities and present you with a few solid reasons why they would have made the sort of vampires who would have made your blood run cold in sheer embarrassment. 

Keanu Reeves 

Just like Pinocchio, Keanu Reeves is rumoured to have been made out of wood. During his formative years Keanu was raised by a tribe of eskimos and fed nothing but brown bread and marmite. After 18 years of being forbidden to speak by the tribal elders because the power of his voice alone would send his entire village into a comatose state that could last for months, Keanu was exiled by the eskimos from the only world he had known. Finding himself alone and bewildered in a world a wooden person couldn’t hope to comprehend, Keanu was drawn to the bright lights of Hollywood where he could pretend to be real and become very rich and famous in the process. Along the way he met the devil and asked if he could sell his soul on the condition he would become a famous actor. Satan argued that this was nigh on impossible, because firstly you need to have a soul to sell it and secondly, Lucifer didn’t think his powers were strong enough to convince people that Keanu could act. Wooden people are very tenacious and Keana finally wore the Devil down with his lamentable and unrelenting recitals of Hamlet. And so Keanu went forth and became a famous actor, albeit not a very good one. And the reason why he would make a terrible vampire is because he is made out of wood and Satan rejected his soul. So there!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

As a rule vampires don’t usually pump iron and eat steroids, although they do usually posses hilarious speech impediments. Nevertheless, although Austrian gym bunny Arnold Schwarzenegger sucks as both an actor and politician when it comes to sucking blood, the bronze beefcake would suck quite abysmally. Legend has it that Arnold was born in the changing rooms of a male only gym in deepest, darkest Manchester. The story in Salford is that Arnie first picked up a sword when he was but an urchin of three years and swore his undying allegiance to becoming the first ever bodybuilder and unreconstructed barbarian to rule California with a rod of iron. After earning worldwide renown as an articulate thespian who specialised in playing a robot that killed a lot of people and said very little, Arnie turned his big unthinking eyes to the world of politics and carved out a career for himself an an elder statesman who specialised in appearing in adverts and using his considerable acting abilities to tell people what a wonderful place California was to go on holiday. Yet in his heart Arnie yearned to return to the simple and barbaric ways of his younger days and it’s rumoured he now spends his day, drinking endless protein shakes, lifting weights and singing viking songs with tears in his eyes. Yet the main reason Arnie would make a terrible vampire is because he looks like he’s made out of clay and has a head which is beginning to look more and more like a prize potato. 

Dustin Hoffman

Born a woman, the ‘little Hoff’ overcome the fierce sexism which runs rampant in Hollywood by having a fully comprehensive transgender operation when she was 21 with the money she had earned as a hugely successful and in-demand Vegas stripper. Reborn as a diminutive man with a squint and a squeaky voice, ‘Dusty’ became ‘Dustin’ and a star was born. With the ability to draw upon experiencing the world from both a male and female perspective, Dustin is unique amongst thespians for his ability to bore audiences to the point of suicidal tedium with his laboured and long-winded portrayals of damaged souls. Yet the ‘little Hoff’ would be hopeless as a vampire simply because he’s a bumbling buffoon who wears women's slippers everywhere and is addicted to Horlicks and Marmite.  

Roger Moore

Obsessed with wearing corsets and suspenders under his trademark evening suits, ladies man Roger Moore has never really recovered from a particularly severe psychotic episode in the 1980s where he believed much like Jonah, he was trapped in the belly of a whale for 40 days and nights. Mentally scarred by the huge quantities of LSD that he ingested as James Bond, Mr Moore now spends his days organising Mad Hatter themed tea parties at nursing homes throughout the UK where he pontificates endlessly to the residents, who have been  aggressively nullified through a steady diet of cake, biscuits, and the greatest hits of Cliff Richard, why that ‘Scottish prick’ Sean Connery,  that ‘closet homosexual’ Timothy Dalton, that ‘perfumed ponce’ Pierce Bronson, and that ‘psychotic bastard’ Daniel Craig, have all failed abysmally in doing justice to the character of Bond, and why he, Roger, is the ultimate 007. Quite simply Moore would make a terrible vampire because the man is just too damned strange. 

David Hasselhoff

As a child David Hasselhoff believed he could talk to cars, and then one day they started to talk back. Bizarrely enough instead of being sectioned quicker than you could say, “crazy motherfucker” the young David used his insanity to become a household name, by taking the role of paranoid schizophrenic Michael Knight in a popular TV series called Knightrider which was all about a sexually frustrated car called Kitt that had endless moonlight conversations with Hasselhof’s warped character. Later on Hasselhoff would become a slightly perverted and bright orange lifeguard called Mitch who was obsessed with running in slow motion as cheap and vulgar synthesized music played in the background. In between getting drunk and making terrible records,  David spends his time travelling the globe looking for the perfect burger and new hair hair products to experiment with. Sadly, although capable of portraying superbly sinister characters, Hasslehoff has too much of the werewolf about him to play a convincing vampire. 

Kevin Costner

Reared by wolves in a remote highland glen, Hollywood heartthrob Kevin Costner fought bravely for years to battle his life-threatening addiction to dog food. Unfortunately the sensual lures of Pedigree Chum and Winalot Prime proved far too much for our Kev and these days he doesn’t get the lead roles he should because his breath smells a tad too meaty. Last seen in a studded dog collar recklessly consuming bumper size boxes of Bakers Complete and urinating in public, the boy Kev cuts a pathetic figure these days, and I’m afraid to say that the old dog just couldn’t cut it as a vampire because he’s far too long in the tooth. 

Tom Hanks 

Originally forged out of rubber by a gang of rouge elves in Lapland, Tom Hanks was eventually taken under the wing of the very same person he was specifically created to destroy - Father Christmas. Schooled by Santa Claus in the art of eating mince pies and drinking gallons of sherry without getting intoxicated, little Tom set off to Tinsel Town and made a name for himself as an emotionally retarded demi-god whose half-witted ways seduced a nation. Fortunately for Tom, having a face made out of coarse rubber was less of a hinderance and more of a help when it came to achieving his goal of global supremacy. Nowadays Tom spends his time relentlessly seeking out fellow thespians who have had plastic surgery and making fun of them, before giving them an angry self-righteous sermon on how he achieved what he did whilst being so plum and puck ugly. Although he hasn’t given or received a Christmas present in over two decades, Tom still remains steadfastly loyal to the teachings of Father Christmas and as such would never play a vampire because as he has been quoted as saying on the mean streets of Philadelphia, “The fat boss in the red suit just wouldn’t like it sucker!”

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Seven of the Most Sexist Ads Ever

Once upon a time women did what they were told and didn’t answer back. Sadly those days are behind us now and the female of the species no longer knows her place. 

All joking aside, if you want proof of just how much social attitudes towards women have changed in the last half a century then you could do a lot worse than looking at the advertisements of yesteryear where sexist slogans and friendly advice for women to “keep their weight down” were commonplace.

In honour of the gentlemen who should have known better, here is a top seven of some of the most sexist ads ever. 

When Smoke gets in Your Eyes

We begin our list with a double whammy. The above advert would be banned on two counts by modern standards. One it endorses smoking and two, it doesn’t work. If you try blowing smoke in a lady’s face I guarantee you won’t get the above reaction. Trying to look like James Bond and calmly exhaling nicotine into a lady’s faces doesn’t turn her into a playful little kitty cat who will follow you anywhere. It’ll probably turn her into a snarling pit bull who’ll break a bottle of Barcardi Breezer over your head quicker than you can say “It said it would work on the box!” What were those crazy ad guys thinking! And more to the point, what the hell were they smoking? 

The Housework Diet

There’s nothing like coming home from a hard day’s shift at the pub or down the bookies and finding there’s dirty dishes in the sink and the carpet needs a damn good hovering. But wait! Instead of doing the unforgivable and attempting to do the housework yourself, why not try to gently persuade the lady in your life that housework is like a session at the gym and she could kill two birds with one stone. It’s all about semantics you see. The above ad is blatantly sexist because it suggests that all women left to their own devices will end up fat and lazy, and they need the discipline of endorsed and rigorous housework to keep them in shape and pleasing to a man’s wandering eye. Now while there’s an element of truth in this, there’s more than one way to skin a chicken and these ad guys should have really known better. Tut! Tut!

Putting the Boot in 

The above ad appears to be little more than the warped product of a very twisted mind and positively reeks of male dominance, foot fetishism and above all a criminally vulgar taste in shoes. To try and sell a man a shoe by suggesting it will keep the woman in his life in her place and “where she belongs” is in very poor taste indeed. When a man has to resort to placing a strange looking piece of footwear on the floor in front of a naked female to assert his authority then we’re on very dangerous ground indeed. And that’s before you factor into the equation that the obviously emotionally and mentally disturbed woman in the ad is not the sort of stray any self-respecting gentlemen would wish to attract in the first instance. Personally I think the ad men pushed the envelope a little too far on this one. 

Happy Christmas Darling 

In the consumer age, exactly what to get the lady in their life for Xmas is an eternal dilemma for the discerning gentleman. You’re pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don’t. In the old days things were a lot more simple for a man who had other things on his mind than presents for the missus. As the above ad shows, once you could just buy them a hoover and not only would they absolutely adore you for it but they’d lie on the floor and gaze lovingly at the cleaning device for hours on end and occasionally touching it because they couldn’t believe how lucky they were. Which was great at Xmas because it entailed you could watch The Great Escape and drink your lager in peace. Oh how these ad men’s artistic works encapsulated the uncomplicated way we gentlemen once lived. 

Mum’s on the Warpath

Once upon a time women were not only really useful at domestic chores they were also figures of fun for the males in the household to wind up and tease endlessly with all sorts of tomfoolery and japery. In this ad we see some good old fashioned father and son bonding at the expense of the overly-emotional and no doubt over-worked mother. Just look at the dad and his boy, what fun they are having in winding up mum. They can barely conceal the joy on their mischievous little faces. Yet the ad also strikes a serious note in that it warns the mother not to take things too seriously and ruin the evening. As it states ,”Housework on hot days is bound to leave you tired and cross.” So it’s advising mum to have a long soak with some New Ivory Soap and chill the Hell out. I feel the ad men hit a righteous tone with this one

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

In bygone days men appreciated just how important it was for a woman to have the correct tools if she was to run the house properly. The above ad highlights that some men failed woefully in this task. As the good lady said to her other half, “If you ever broke 14 fingernails cleaning an oven, you’d know why I want this new self-cleaning one.” In a perfect world a woman should never have to ask for a household appliance, it should be her birthright. The ad men were certainly answering the call of duty in a big way here.

Putting the sex into Sexism

Finally we come to an advertisement which appears to capture the ad men in a particularly playful mood. No doubt such an image today would lead to accusations of soft porn, and the objectification of the female body, but perhaps the ad’s creators were driven by a more elevated aesthetic quality when it came to producing such an enigmatic masterpiece. Showing a picture of a well endowed woman in a bikini carrying a bottle of booze with her head cut off, alongside the caption, “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.” would suggest all manner of crazy things, but it’s probably best for us not to dwell on them. I’m sure those mad and bad ad men didn’t!

Seven classics from the bitch slap rap of Noel Gallagher

The maniacal midget Simon Cowell has reportedly offered Noel Gallagher two million quid to be a judge on the X Factor. 

Now while some cruel critics will argue that the Mancunian megalomanic is certainly musically talentless enough to fit right in with fat Gary Barlow and the rest of the sorry shower of pompous half-wits, when it comes to one-liners and bitchy put downs you can’t argue that Noel is something of a past master.

It’s probably why the demonic Cowell wants him in on board in the first place, that and to prove to the music world that there ain’t no-one who won’t sell their soul to simple Simon if the price is right - Britpop icon or not. 

As the entire world awaits with a stifled yawn to see if Noel will sell out and take the money, here’s seven of the man’s best put downs of fellow performers. 

Noel on Franz Ferdinand: “They’re like Right Said Fred on the Atkins diet.”

Noel on Keane: "Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer."

Noel on Radiohead: "Have I ever had a moment where I fucking sat down and thought, 'Do you know what this calls for? This calls for Paranoid Android! Get it on!' No."

Noel on Jack White: “Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He's supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I'm not having that, that's fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's.”

Noel on Kylie: “Kylie Minogue is a demonic little idiot as far as I'm concerned.”

Noel on Liam Gallagher: “liam only has two problems. Everything he fucking says and everything he fucking does.”

Noel on Phil Collins: “Just because you sell lots of records it doesn`t mean to say you`re any good. Look at Phil Collins.”

Noel on an X-Factor Contestant: “Watch this space.....................”

Seven Songs with the Number Seven in Them

There’s an awful lot of songs in the world, but here’s seven of them with the number seven in their title. And why? Well, just because. And no, you won’t find ‘Seven Wonders’ by Fleetwood Mac on the list. So crawl back under the rock from whence you came Mr easy listener. 

Seven Days Is Too Long 

Sorry lads! The job's already taken.

When Dexys Midnight Runners went ‘Searching for the Young Soul Rebels’ way back in 1978, they recorded a song by soul sensation Chuck Wood called ‘Seven Days Is Too Long’. What seven days is too long for is anybody’s guess, but it’s doubtful if it’s the time inbetween cups of tea. 

Seven seas 

Which one is Echo?

If you can name me the ‘Seven Seas’ I’ll give you seven pence. It’s doubtful if any of the mournful members of Echo and the Bunnymen could name more than five oceans at a push, but it didn’t stop the Scouse scallys from singing a dirge about seven stretches of salty water. With lyrics such as, “Hear the cavemen singing, good news they’re bringing,” it’s not the Bunnymen’s finest hour, but it’s a good tune to swim too if you’re that way inclined. 

Seven and Seven is

Who came first - Hendrix or Lee?

‘Seven and Seven’ is of course 14, but the song by the band  Love is an atom bomb explosion from the plastic fantastic heart of the hippy era. With lyrics by the ever venomous Arthur Lee such as, “In my lonely room I’d sit, my mind in an ice cream cone,” and the sweetly sentimental, “If I don't start cryin' it's because that I have got no eyes. My father's in the fireplace and my dog lies hypnotized,” the song is a rare treat from start to finish. As the man himself said, “Oop-ip-ip oop-ip-ip, yeah!”

Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

That's the way Eddie my son!

When Iron Maiden were at the peak of their powers in the heady hair metal days of the 1980s, they released that much feared and often dreaded rock artifact - the concept album. ‘Seventh Son of a Seventh Son’ was the mighty Maiden’s seventh album. In ancient folklore the seventh son of the seventh son was though to have special powers and vulnerable to the influence of Satan. Such raw subject material was tailor made for Bruce DIckinson and the boys to go to town on, and they did, with extra cheese on top. The title song off the album is not one of their best but it still rocks in its own peculiar way. 

007 (Shanty Town)

There's a rude boy riot going on!

Desmond Dekker’s rocksteady classic is so relaxed and happy it makes the setting of a big fat lazy summer’s sun seem amphetamine fuelled. It’s he national anthem of have a go rude boys and beer bellied Ben Sherman clad bad dancers everywhere. As Desmond rightly croons in his dual ode to James Bond and Jamaica, “Dem a loot, dem a shoot, dem a wail A Shanty Town.” Indeedy they do do don’t they  Des!

Seven

It's symbolic doncha know!

Once upon a time there was a multi-millionaire  pop star called Prince who changed his name to a symbol in a protest against corporate slavery. The petulant yet talented midget soon got bored of being a symbol and became Prince again, but not before he had released a badly though out album, which we now refer to as the Love Symbol album. On that album was a track called ‘Seven’ and it’s probably the best song on the record, but that’s not really saying much. 

Seven Seas of Rhye 

Here comes Freddy!

In the Queen musical We Will Rock You, the Seven Seas of Rhye is a place where the Bohemians are taken after they are brainstormed by Khashoggi. Having never been unlucky enough to sit through Ben Elton’s masterpiece I don’t actually know what that means. I just lifted it from Wikipedia you see, but I do know that even by Queen’s notoriously low standards the song Seven Seas of Rhye is quite a good one. When a camp man with a terrible moustache and hypnotically spasmodic movements yells, “Fear me you lords and lady preachers, I descend upon your earth from the skies, I command your very souls you unbelievers, Bring before me what is mine, The seven seas of Rhye,” you better believe it brothers and sisters, and then run as far away from him as humanly possible.

Seven Things you Didn’t Know About Planet X

Planet X, also known as Nibiru or Marduk, is supposedly the tenth planet in our solar system and the one which was supposed to destroy earth on December 21. The good news is it didn't happen and here’s seven reasons why. 

Imagine a planet whose very proximity could trigger tsunamis, cause earthquakes to erupt and make volcanoes go all volatile and violent on us. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg baby! Some say if the ‘demon planet’ got too close to the earth it might even push us into the sun, stop the blue planet spinning, or even strip away our old mother’s crust like a monkey peeling a banana. All of the aforementioned apocalyptic scenarios are part of planet Nibiru’s ‘X Factor’, and some say it’s due to arrive some time in the future and spoil our party. But just how much scientific fact is there to support these wild-eyed and universally crazy claims? 

The Birth of a Planet

Planet X, Nibiru, Marduk, Tranpluto, Vulcan, The Ottawa Object, call it what you will. The planet which is said to dwarf the earth many times over has one unifying factor - it’s destructive. Yet although the existence of the other nine planets in our solar system (the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune) have been proven beyond all reasonable doubt, the jury is still out on Planet X. So who started the Chinese whispers about this killer planet? The Sumerians, that’s who! A tablet of clay, named the Berlin Seal was found in the Middle East some time ago with something inscribed upon it which looked like a solar system. The only trouble is there were 11 planets on the centuries old lump of clay instead of the proven nine. Many speculated the tenth could be the moon but left the barn doors open for widespread speculation about what the eleventh could be? That is until people started putting two and two together and coming up with Nibiru. The only problem with any theory based upon the Berlin Seal being an accurate map in regard to our solar system is - at the end of the day it’s just a pretty lump of clay that’s full of errors. Saturn has no rings for a kick-off. Need I go on?  Additionally, ancient civilizations loved to draw and paint pretty pictures, and the ‘map’ could just as easily be Venus surrounded by stars.

The Sumerian Connection 

If you research enough literature from ancient civilisations you can probably prove that in favourable conditions, pigs can fly. Yet people with a little too much time on their hands never tire of pointing to the ancient Sumerians as solid proof that Planet X exists. Never mind that ancient cultures weren’t capable of installing a fully functioning plumbing system and wouldn’t have a clue how to operate an iPhone, certain types that favour sandals and wispy beards will tell you earnestly that the Sumerians were in contact with a bunch of enlightened extraterrestrials and as such, knew a thing or two about a thing or two. Poppycock! In the Sumerian tale of creation, the earth was spat into creation after a particularly violent tussle between two gods. Guess what their names were? Tiamat and Nibiru! To the Sumerians, Nibiru was a god not a planet, and Nibiru was their word for ‘ferry boat’. Nibiru was also the Babylonian word for Jupiter. The Chinese and Greek cultures were much more interested and knew a lot more about cosmology than the Sumerian farmers, and they never mentioned a tenth planet. In fact the Sumerians even believed the earth was a flat disc, so go figure. 

A Question of Orbit 

If Planet X has one thing, it has a big orbit. So big, physics would seem to suggest that it is actually impossible for it to exist at all. To put it into context, the earth does a complete orbit of the sun every 365 days. Nibiru on the other hand apparently takes 3,600 years. And what do you think it does once it gets here? It speeds up, says hello to the Sun, massively disrupts everything it encounters and goes on its merry way leaving in its wake a trail of terrible destruction as the earth dies bleeding. But just like apples cannot fall upwards, a planet with such a huge orbit would soon spiral into deep space , or alternately it would reduce its orbit dramatically and live in peace with the other nine planets. The universe may be a big place but it has laws you know. 

The Punctual Planet

December 21, 2012 has been earmarked as the earth’s date with destiny for some time now. It’s apparently the day when Planet X will come calling and send us spiraling into an abyss without equal. However, if past dates with our nemesis have been anything to go by I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for an exciting and eventual night. You see naughty Nibiru has a habit of not showing up for the big occasions. Take the spring of 2003 for example. Fervent believers in Planet X’s existence were bug eyed with excitement and perspiring with panic that the ‘bull daddy’ was going to make an appearance and knock us for six. He didn’t. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist, he might just have stopped off at an intergalactic McDonalds to devour a galaxy or two before deciding are ultimate fate.

The Pull of a Planet 

To be fair, it’s not just conspiracy theorists, many professional astronomers throughout history were convinced that Planet X existed. Since the early part of the nineteenth century, stargazers were haunted by a nagging mystery regarding the orbits of the outer planets. Uranus and Neptune, and certain asteroids appeared to be under the influence of the pull of an enormous and unidentified planet. Percival Lowell, the man responsible for studying the ‘canals’ on Mars, gave the mysterious planet a name and its name was ‘X’. Astronomers remained convinced that Planet X in all probability did exist and for almost 150 years nothing appeared to change their mind, until in the last two decades of the twentieth century they suddenly appeared to be a little bashful, red faced and apologetic about their previous assumptions. It appeared that there was no strange force pulling hard on Uranus and Neptune, it was simply that the stargazers had failed to properly identify and calculate the correct orbit of the outer planets. Whoops! 

Spotted By NASSA

People who pontificate endlessly in the pubs an in the press about the existence of Planet X, always point to the notorious spotting of Nibiru by NASA in 1983 to prove their point. In that fabled year the world’s media reported that two astronomers called Neugebauer and Hock had discovered a new ‘Jupiter-sized planet’. In actuality they hadn’t but the press wanted a good story and what made better headlines than a killer planet? The truth of the matter is, Neugebauer and Hock had studied the infared spectrum and discovered an irregularity. They didn’t know what it was but suggested it could be a new planet or galaxy, or pretty much anything that fell between. The newspapers were convinced it was a new planet and wasted no time in telling the world that this was the case. It wasn’t, and subsequent research revealed it to be a new galaxy instead, which, when you think about it, is a lot more interesting. 

It’s Been Here Before 

Modern science does seem to suggest that around about 4-5 billion years ago something big and bad did slam into our planet and knock the stuffing out of it. So great was the collision it caused the earth to split and from the leftover debris the moon was formed. The theory is called giant impact hypothesis. However, there was no one on earth at the time to write about the event, let alone blame it on Planet X. History proves that the earth is periodically struck by disaster, but it doesn’t happen once every 3,600 years and the same heavenly culprit is not always to blame. In the final analysis, the one thing truly worth knowing about Planet X is - it doesn’t exist. Boom! Boom!