The maniacal midget Simon Cowell has reportedly offered Noel Gallagher two million quid to be a judge on the X Factor.
Now while some cruel critics will argue that the Mancunian megalomanic is certainly musically talentless enough to fit right in with fat Gary Barlow and the rest of the sorry shower of pompous half-wits, when it comes to one-liners and bitchy put downs you can’t argue that Noel is something of a past master.
It’s probably why the demonic Cowell wants him in on board in the first place, that and to prove to the music world that there ain’t no-one who won’t sell their soul to simple Simon if the price is right - Britpop icon or not.
As the entire world awaits with a stifled yawn to see if Noel will sell out and take the money, here’s seven of the man’s best put downs of fellow performers.
Noel on Franz Ferdinand: “They’re like Right Said Fred on the Atkins diet.”
Noel on Keane: "Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer."
Noel on Radiohead: "Have I ever had a moment where I fucking sat down and thought, 'Do you know what this calls for? This calls for Paranoid Android! Get it on!' No."
Noel on Jack White: “Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He's supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I'm not having that, that's fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's.”
Noel on Kylie: “Kylie Minogue is a demonic little idiot as far as I'm concerned.”
Noel on Liam Gallagher: “liam only has two problems. Everything he fucking says and everything he fucking does.”
Noel on Phil Collins: “Just because you sell lots of records it doesn`t mean to say you`re any good. Look at Phil Collins.”
Noel on an X-Factor Contestant: “Watch this space.....................”
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