Seven Actors who Would Make Terrible Vampires

Are screen vampires a mere shadow of their former selves? 

Once upon a time vampires on the silver screen were supposed to be scary like Christopher Lee in the old Hammer Horrors, but then along minced Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in Interview With a Vampire and all of a sudden fangs and a cape, and being a corpse who drunk blood was apparently sexy. 

Some vampires suck more than just blood!

Pitt and Cruise’s nocturnal and slightly hysterical homo-erotic antics in the aforesaid film did more than make movie audiences world wide nauseous, it set a blueprint for how Hollywood vampires of the future should behave and look.

Long toothed and hunch backed thespians such as Bela Lugosi and Max Schreck who were once renowned for playing children of the night were consigned to the dustbins of history as a new generation of blood sucking monsters designed to appeal to the overtly hormonal teenage market drew back the curtain and stepped squinting and half-formed into the limelight. 

These creatures were a strange breed of emotionally vulnerable psychopaths with a penchant for leather jackets, sun glasses and identity issues. They were bad boys with big hearts and teenage girls adored them - even though in theory these vicious vampires were capable of ripping the throat of their nearest and dearest out quicker than you could say, “Why sir! You cast no shadow.”

Consequently the end result of all this tomfoolery was Edward Cullen as played by Robert Pattinson in the Twilight films. Now while Pattinson may appear to all extent and purposes less of a monster of myth and magic and more of a pasty and effeminate bastard lovechild of Pitt and Cruise, who needs a good bitch slapping from a real bona fida bloodsucker, he’s far from the worst choice to play a vampire. 

No sir. Kristen Stewart’s mistreated pet is by the piss poor quality control of modern standards, a pretty good vampire. But what about those poor attention starved thespians who never got a proper bite of the Adam’s apple and the chance to croon in a camp accent, “Ahh de children of da night, vot sweet music dey maek.” Spare a thought for these poor  bastards as we pay a rare tribute to their meagre acting abilities and present you with a few solid reasons why they would have made the sort of vampires who would have made your blood run cold in sheer embarrassment. 

Keanu Reeves 

Just like Pinocchio, Keanu Reeves is rumoured to have been made out of wood. During his formative years Keanu was raised by a tribe of eskimos and fed nothing but brown bread and marmite. After 18 years of being forbidden to speak by the tribal elders because the power of his voice alone would send his entire village into a comatose state that could last for months, Keanu was exiled by the eskimos from the only world he had known. Finding himself alone and bewildered in a world a wooden person couldn’t hope to comprehend, Keanu was drawn to the bright lights of Hollywood where he could pretend to be real and become very rich and famous in the process. Along the way he met the devil and asked if he could sell his soul on the condition he would become a famous actor. Satan argued that this was nigh on impossible, because firstly you need to have a soul to sell it and secondly, Lucifer didn’t think his powers were strong enough to convince people that Keanu could act. Wooden people are very tenacious and Keana finally wore the Devil down with his lamentable and unrelenting recitals of Hamlet. And so Keanu went forth and became a famous actor, albeit not a very good one. And the reason why he would make a terrible vampire is because he is made out of wood and Satan rejected his soul. So there!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

As a rule vampires don’t usually pump iron and eat steroids, although they do usually posses hilarious speech impediments. Nevertheless, although Austrian gym bunny Arnold Schwarzenegger sucks as both an actor and politician when it comes to sucking blood, the bronze beefcake would suck quite abysmally. Legend has it that Arnold was born in the changing rooms of a male only gym in deepest, darkest Manchester. The story in Salford is that Arnie first picked up a sword when he was but an urchin of three years and swore his undying allegiance to becoming the first ever bodybuilder and unreconstructed barbarian to rule California with a rod of iron. After earning worldwide renown as an articulate thespian who specialised in playing a robot that killed a lot of people and said very little, Arnie turned his big unthinking eyes to the world of politics and carved out a career for himself an an elder statesman who specialised in appearing in adverts and using his considerable acting abilities to tell people what a wonderful place California was to go on holiday. Yet in his heart Arnie yearned to return to the simple and barbaric ways of his younger days and it’s rumoured he now spends his day, drinking endless protein shakes, lifting weights and singing viking songs with tears in his eyes. Yet the main reason Arnie would make a terrible vampire is because he looks like he’s made out of clay and has a head which is beginning to look more and more like a prize potato. 

Dustin Hoffman

Born a woman, the ‘little Hoff’ overcome the fierce sexism which runs rampant in Hollywood by having a fully comprehensive transgender operation when she was 21 with the money she had earned as a hugely successful and in-demand Vegas stripper. Reborn as a diminutive man with a squint and a squeaky voice, ‘Dusty’ became ‘Dustin’ and a star was born. With the ability to draw upon experiencing the world from both a male and female perspective, Dustin is unique amongst thespians for his ability to bore audiences to the point of suicidal tedium with his laboured and long-winded portrayals of damaged souls. Yet the ‘little Hoff’ would be hopeless as a vampire simply because he’s a bumbling buffoon who wears women's slippers everywhere and is addicted to Horlicks and Marmite.  

Roger Moore

Obsessed with wearing corsets and suspenders under his trademark evening suits, ladies man Roger Moore has never really recovered from a particularly severe psychotic episode in the 1980s where he believed much like Jonah, he was trapped in the belly of a whale for 40 days and nights. Mentally scarred by the huge quantities of LSD that he ingested as James Bond, Mr Moore now spends his days organising Mad Hatter themed tea parties at nursing homes throughout the UK where he pontificates endlessly to the residents, who have been  aggressively nullified through a steady diet of cake, biscuits, and the greatest hits of Cliff Richard, why that ‘Scottish prick’ Sean Connery,  that ‘closet homosexual’ Timothy Dalton, that ‘perfumed ponce’ Pierce Bronson, and that ‘psychotic bastard’ Daniel Craig, have all failed abysmally in doing justice to the character of Bond, and why he, Roger, is the ultimate 007. Quite simply Moore would make a terrible vampire because the man is just too damned strange. 

David Hasselhoff

As a child David Hasselhoff believed he could talk to cars, and then one day they started to talk back. Bizarrely enough instead of being sectioned quicker than you could say, “crazy motherfucker” the young David used his insanity to become a household name, by taking the role of paranoid schizophrenic Michael Knight in a popular TV series called Knightrider which was all about a sexually frustrated car called Kitt that had endless moonlight conversations with Hasselhof’s warped character. Later on Hasselhoff would become a slightly perverted and bright orange lifeguard called Mitch who was obsessed with running in slow motion as cheap and vulgar synthesized music played in the background. In between getting drunk and making terrible records,  David spends his time travelling the globe looking for the perfect burger and new hair hair products to experiment with. Sadly, although capable of portraying superbly sinister characters, Hasslehoff has too much of the werewolf about him to play a convincing vampire. 

Kevin Costner

Reared by wolves in a remote highland glen, Hollywood heartthrob Kevin Costner fought bravely for years to battle his life-threatening addiction to dog food. Unfortunately the sensual lures of Pedigree Chum and Winalot Prime proved far too much for our Kev and these days he doesn’t get the lead roles he should because his breath smells a tad too meaty. Last seen in a studded dog collar recklessly consuming bumper size boxes of Bakers Complete and urinating in public, the boy Kev cuts a pathetic figure these days, and I’m afraid to say that the old dog just couldn’t cut it as a vampire because he’s far too long in the tooth. 

Tom Hanks 

Originally forged out of rubber by a gang of rouge elves in Lapland, Tom Hanks was eventually taken under the wing of the very same person he was specifically created to destroy - Father Christmas. Schooled by Santa Claus in the art of eating mince pies and drinking gallons of sherry without getting intoxicated, little Tom set off to Tinsel Town and made a name for himself as an emotionally retarded demi-god whose half-witted ways seduced a nation. Fortunately for Tom, having a face made out of coarse rubber was less of a hinderance and more of a help when it came to achieving his goal of global supremacy. Nowadays Tom spends his time relentlessly seeking out fellow thespians who have had plastic surgery and making fun of them, before giving them an angry self-righteous sermon on how he achieved what he did whilst being so plum and puck ugly. Although he hasn’t given or received a Christmas present in over two decades, Tom still remains steadfastly loyal to the teachings of Father Christmas and as such would never play a vampire because as he has been quoted as saying on the mean streets of Philadelphia, “The fat boss in the red suit just wouldn’t like it sucker!”

Ho! Ho! Ho!